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| My big brother & me |
So, I'm going to be all over the place trying to catch you to the present times. The little asterisk marks ✳ are side notes that I'll come back to later on. More for my memory than anything else. Sometimes I can't keep up with my thoughts, I try not to chase the squirrels that run through my mind. I am a true Virgo, always analyzing everything around me. Growing up with an older brother that constantly picked on me, made me self-aware of any flaws. I can honestly say that he is the reason I am able to do this today. You see, growing up I basically worshiped the ground he walked on. With five and half years between us, he didn't want a baby sister. I was grown before I ever realized that he truly has a love for me. All those years, living in his shadow, I thought he only tolerate me because he had no other choice (I'm still pretty sure that is a big part of it). My parents used me as part of his punishment. When he did something they didn't approve of, I was part of his restriction. The next time he asked to go anywhere outside of school or football practice, he had to take me with him. He would gripe and complain about it to our parents but as soon as we left the house, he would figure out a way to use me to his advantage. I cannot count the times sitting in the back seat of his extended cab, lifted up Toyota, that his females friends would come over to the truck to talk to me. Coaching me to get out although Brad had told me I wasn't allowed. They all thought it was so sweet of him to bring along his shy baby sister. Looking back, only God knows what he told them about me. It would leave me confused. Anyways, he was a Senior in high school when I was in 6th grade. After Graduation, he signed up for USMC BootCamp. My brother was going to be a Marine. I still remember being happy for him when I was told he was leaving but crying about it when I was alone. The thought of him leaving had never crossed my mind. He might not have liked me but a lot of my world revolved around him. Who was I gonna practice softball with, he was the reason I was playing anyways, cause I wanted to be close to him. I do remember thinking the Marines would be good for him. Maybe it help him control his temper because he didn't need to be a better fighter. Brad was not scared to throw hands with anyone. Sitting in that backseat, I have seen too many times what he could do. He might not have started them all but I know that he did finish them all (another reason I wasn't allowed to get out of the truck). After he was gone, I definitely became the nerdy sibling. It started with writing him letters while he was gone, it turned into a way of processing the thoughts in my head. Which in time turned into this.