Scattered thoughts

It's been a few months again. I'll learn to juggle college and teach Brookie pre-k at home one day. Let's just say life. This morning, I saw a TikTok video that touched me deeply because it was about resentment. And my last post was about resentment. It was from Kelly Kopp (if you need to find out who he is, look him up). But let me back up right here for a minute. 

Y'all know I was raised in a very Christian home with a picture-perfect family. My dad was my momma's first boyfriend. They dated for 3 years, got married, and waited four more years to have my older brother. This means they got to know each other before adding more stress to the relationship. Then, five and a half years after my brother was born, I came along. My parents had us very much involved in church till we got grown. Then, he and I both quit going. My brother started drinking at an early age, and he still drinks. My ex-husband introduced me to drugs, and well, it's been a battle. I know my parents wanted a different life for us both, and I know they still pray for us daily. But lately, God has been working on my heart. Or I may have started listening. Don't get me wrong, I have always believed in God, and I know Jesus Christ died for our sins. I attend church occasionally and help my parents with their ministry when needed. I can tell you everything you are supposed to do and reference the bible verses to back it up. But I feel like I have been living a double life, kind of. And it is wearing on me. Lately, I have been listening to YouTube videos about the bible and trying to understand it as an adult, not the children's bible version. I haven't started going back to church, but I know I need to. I have a hard time with religion because I feel like they all get lost in the rules and forget the purpose. 

Back to this TicTok video, Kelly said something that made so much sense to me (it made me feel stupid for not knowing). He said pray for the person you have resentment towards. Not a bless their heart Southern prayer but pray like you would for a family member. Even though you might not feel like you meant it at first. Leave the rest up to the Holy Spirit. Over time, your heart will change, and before you know it, you will mean every word in that prayer, and the resentment will be gone. 

This post is all over the place and probably makes no sense to anyone except me. I will explain a little later. I still need to process some of the thoughts. To be continued...

Some days I wonder how I made it this far

Okay so leaving the screen up with an entire page of writing on it, was not a good idea. Somehow my not-quite 2 year old managed to select the page and delete it, then started typing away. It's cute that she is trying to be like mommy but it is not cute that I lost everything I had wrote down. Plus, she has her own tablet (don't judge) just for that reason (it's not the first time I lost something due to her playing on my computer). 

A little more background

My big brother & me

So, I'm going to be all over the place trying to catch you to the present times. The little asterisk marks ✳  are side notes that I'll come back to later on. More for my memory than anything else. Sometimes I can't keep up with my thoughts, I try not to chase the squirrels that run through my mind. I am a true Virgo, always analyzing everything around me. Growing up with an older brother that constantly picked on me, made me self-aware of any flaws. I can honestly say that he is the reason I am able to do this today. You see, growing up I basically worshiped the ground he walked on. With five and half years between us, he didn't want a baby sister. I was grown before I ever realized that he truly has a love for me. All those years, living in his shadow, I thought he only tolerate me because he had no other choice (I'm still pretty sure that is a big part of it). My parents used me as part of his punishment. When he did something they didn't approve of, I was part of his restriction. The next time he asked to go anywhere outside of school or football practice, he had to take me with him. He would gripe and complain about it to our parents but as soon as we left the house, he would figure out a way to use me to his advantage. I cannot count the times sitting in the back seat of his extended cab, lifted up Toyota, that his females friends would come over to the truck to talk to me. Coaching me to get out although Brad had told me I wasn't allowed. They all thought it was so sweet of him to bring along his shy baby sister. Looking back, only God knows what he told them about me. It would leave me confused. Anyways, he was a Senior in high school when I was in 6th grade. After Graduation, he signed up for USMC BootCamp. My brother was going to be a Marine. I still remember being happy for him when I was told he was leaving but crying about it when I was alone. The thought of him leaving had never crossed my mind. He might not have liked me but a lot of my world revolved around him. Who was I gonna practice softball with, he was the reason I was playing anyways, cause I wanted to be close to him. I do remember thinking the Marines would be good for him. Maybe it help him control his temper because he didn't need to be a better fighter. Brad was not scared to throw hands with anyone. Sitting in that backseat, I have seen too many times what he could do. He might not have started them all but I know that he did finish them all (another reason I wasn't allowed to get out of the truck). After he was gone, I definitely became the nerdy sibling. It started with writing him letters while he was gone, it turned into a way of processing the thoughts in my head. Which in time turned into this. 

                                                                                          

 

Let me introduce myself

Hi, my name is Stephanie Smith. I am 42 years old with a daughter that will be 2 years old next month. (I'll explain later). I come from a fairytale family. My parents are still happily married, as were both sets of grandparents. I have one older brother. Brad is 5 and half years older than me (to the hour). My parents raised us right, we went to church every Sunday (both morning & evening services) and on Wednesday evenings. We ate dinner together every night and discussed our day. Fairytale, right? I cannot complain about the way I was raised. But I couldn't wait to get away from it after high school. Maybe it was the rebellious part of me, maybe it was my choice of friends or just wanting a different lifestyle altogether. I wanted to have fun. Life was one big party, right? At age 19, I was told I couldn't have children, and I was perfectly fine with that. I didn't want any. I watched my friends have babies, and it seemed as if their life was over cause going out and having fun revolved around the ability of a babysitter. I was married at age 25 and divorced at 35. Those 10 years were some of the best but hardest times. That is when I learned everything about being in business, from start-ups to operations and from bookkeeping to marketing. Our businesses filled the void of children in our marriage. (Or so I thought, during our divorce, his girlfriend got pregnant). The break-up of that marriage devastated me. It ripped both my personal and professional world out from under me at the same time. I vowed that would never happen again.  I continued doing the same kind of work though. Helping a few friends turn their companies into businesses. One night at my best friend's house, I met a guy. He was also in business for himself, thus was the second marriage revolved around working together. After a couple of years of dating and a year married, divorce #2 wasn't so bad. During that time, that same best friend had just been handed a business by her husband's health declining and she asked me to help out. And I was right back to doing what I know best in the business world.