I firmly believe that resentment is an emotion that cannot be overcome, no matter how hard one tries. Once you start to resent a person, place, or thing, I have always found it almost impossible to move forward. I can be civil and even friendly towards people I hate or envy. Anger, disappointment, regret, shame, and even disgust are complex negative emotions to get past, but resentment is a class by itself. Despite trying various methods, such as forgiveness, writing down my feelings, and meditation, I have not had any luck. However, 'they' say there are steps to take to work towards greater self-compassion and understanding.
I thought I had moved on from this, but it is not simple. I have forgiven all the parties involved, but the experience has changed my perspective on everything. This situation took away my personal and professional life. The worst part is my self-perception changed. As my life started falling apart, I began questioning everything I knew. I wasn't just hurt or heartbroken; I was devastated.
I knew I had to find a way to break the cycle and move forward. I had to find a way to rebuild my life, but I didn't know where to start. As each day went by, I felt increasingly lost and overwhelmed. I decided to focus on what I could do each day. I never really found my footing. I was only surviving. And to my surprise, life started to rebuild itself. It did not take off, and most of the trip was downhill before I began to climb.
It's been 10 years, and I am content with life. I have a beautiful 3-year-old little girl. A boyfriend who is everything I could ever ask for, yet the total opposite of me. I just finished my first semester of my AA degree. I am working towards a better future and setting an example for my daughter. Life seems good.
I wake up. The room is black. I am lost and confused; I struggle to see what is around me. I finally feel my phone and light it up. It's 4:15 am. I am home in my bed with my daughter on one side and my boyfriend on the other. Oh, thank God, it was just the dream again. The dream that takes me face to face with the ones that destroyed me. With me being the butt of the joke all over again. The dream always feels so real, as if I am dying this time. I have learned not to go back to sleep because the dreams only get worse from here. I sneak out of bed, trying not to disturb the two snoring around me. I stop at the bedroom door, look back at the bed, and thank God for the two best things that ever happened to me.
Sitting down in front of my computer, my mind going 100 mph all over the place. Reliving the words thrown around that caused all the negative feelings to flood my entire body. Feeling worthless and hopeless. Then, the fear of it happening again. STOP, I say out loud as if to quiet the thoughts in my head. Then I see it again.
You have to be kidding me? There's no way I am still dealing with this. I have moved on. Is it them that I resent? No. Maybe the whole situation, yeah. I feel as though it is much deeper than that. I believe it has to be me. And if I cannot figure this out and gain control of the cause, it will destroy me again. But how do you let go of something you don't even know you are holding on to?