Navigating the Milestones: Reflecting on My Daughter's Fourth Birthday

As parents, we all aspire to create the perfect birthday party for our children, filled with joy, love, and unforgettable memories. However, sometimes things don't go as planned. During my daughter's fourth birthday party, things took an unexpected turn, and it seemed like we were in a scene straight out of a redneck trailer park. Despite the party veering off course, it taught me valuable lessons about flexibility and resilience. Even amidst the chaos, I learned to embrace imperfection and find beauty in the unexpected. Reflecting on the redneck trailer park-like scenario that unfolded, the party reminded me that life doesn't always go as planned. Although the initial disappointment and frustration were overwhelming, I found that some of the adults' behavior was even worse than the kids' showin' out, and I was ready to leave. By this point, the party was practically over, and everyone was leaving due to the arguing. After leaving for a couple of hours, I was able to calm down. Eventually, I will learn to roll with the punches and to be more prepared for the unexpected.

Ultimately, the party was a valuable lesson in resilience and adaptability.

Scattered thoughts

It's been a few months again. I'll learn to juggle college and teach Brookie pre-k at home one day. Let's just say life. This morning, I saw a TikTok video that touched me deeply because it was about resentment. And my last post was about resentment. It was from Kelly Kopp (if you need to find out who he is, look him up). But let me back up right here for a minute. 

Y'all know I was raised in a very Christian home with a picture-perfect family. My dad was my momma's first boyfriend. They dated for 3 years, got married, and waited four more years to have my older brother. This means they got to know each other before adding more stress to the relationship. Then, five and a half years after my brother was born, I came along. My parents had us very much involved in church till we got grown. Then, he and I both quit going. My brother started drinking at an early age, and he still drinks. My ex-husband introduced me to drugs, and well, it's been a battle. I know my parents wanted a different life for us both, and I know they still pray for us daily. But lately, God has been working on my heart. Or I may have started listening. Don't get me wrong, I have always believed in God, and I know Jesus Christ died for our sins. I attend church occasionally and help my parents with their ministry when needed. I can tell you everything you are supposed to do and reference the bible verses to back it up. But I feel like I have been living a double life, kind of. And it is wearing on me. Lately, I have been listening to YouTube videos about the bible and trying to understand it as an adult, not the children's bible version. I haven't started going back to church, but I know I need to. I have a hard time with religion because I feel like they all get lost in the rules and forget the purpose. 

Back to this TicTok video, Kelly said something that made so much sense to me (it made me feel stupid for not knowing). He said pray for the person you have resentment towards. Not a bless their heart Southern prayer but pray like you would for a family member. Even though you might not feel like you meant it at first. Leave the rest up to the Holy Spirit. Over time, your heart will change, and before you know it, you will mean every word in that prayer, and the resentment will be gone. 

This post is all over the place and probably makes no sense to anyone except me. I will explain a little later. I still need to process some of the thoughts. To be continued...

Resentment

I firmly believe that resentment is an emotion that cannot be overcome, no matter how hard one tries. Once you start to resent a person, place, or thing, I have always found it almost impossible to move forward. I can be civil and even friendly towards people I hate or envy. Anger, disappointment, regret, shame, and even disgust are complex negative emotions to get past, but resentment is a class by itself. Despite trying various methods, such as forgiveness, writing down my feelings, and meditation, I have not had any luck. However, 'they' say there are steps to take to work towards greater self-compassion and understanding.

I thought I had moved on from this, but it is not simple. I have forgiven all the parties involved, but the experience has changed my perspective on everything. This situation took away my personal and professional life. The worst part is my self-perception changed. As my life started falling apart, I began questioning everything I knew. I wasn't just hurt or heartbroken; I was devastated.

I knew I had to find a way to break the cycle and move forward. I had to find a way to rebuild my life, but I didn't know where to start. As each day went by, I felt increasingly lost and overwhelmed. I decided to focus on what I could do each day. I never really found my footing. I was only surviving. And to my surprise, life started to rebuild itself. It did not take off, and most of the trip was downhill before I began to climb. 

It's been 10 years, and I am content with life. I have a beautiful 3-year-old little girl. A boyfriend who is everything I could ever ask for, yet the total opposite of me. I just finished my first semester of my AA degree. I am working towards a better future and setting an example for my daughter. Life seems good.

I wake up. The room is black. I am lost and confused; I struggle to see what is around me. I finally feel my phone and light it up. It's 4:15 am. I am home in my bed with my daughter on one side and my boyfriend on the other. Oh, thank God, it was just the dream again. The dream that takes me face to face with the ones that destroyed me. With me being the butt of the joke all over again. The dream always feels so real, as if I am dying this time. I have learned not to go back to sleep because the dreams only get worse from here. I sneak out of bed, trying not to disturb the two snoring around me. I stop at the bedroom door, look back at the bed, and thank God for the two best things that ever happened to me. 

Sitting down in front of my computer, my mind going 100 mph all over the place. Reliving the words thrown around that caused all the negative feelings to flood my entire body. Feeling worthless and hopeless. Then, the fear of it happening again. STOP, I say out loud as if to quiet the thoughts in my head. Then I see it again.

You have to be kidding me? There's no way I am still dealing with this. I have moved on. Is it them that I resent? No. Maybe the whole situation, yeah. I feel as though it is much deeper than that. I believe it has to be me. And if I cannot figure this out and gain control of the cause, it will destroy me again. But how do you let go of something you don't even know you are holding on to?

Directional change: Climbing out of the rabbit hole.

When I started this blog, I had a clear vision of sharing my experiences as a new mom, starting my own business, creating a family-oriented brand, and so on. But as life twists and turns, I deviated from my original plan. I lost sight of my image in my head, and I can't even remember when or where I lost it. My business venture turned out differently than I expected, and I realized I didn't know as much as I thought. However, being the stubborn redhead I am, I decided to fix that by returning to school while still developing my business and caring for my toddler. I thought it would be easy, but I quickly learned I needed to be corrected. I'm currently almost finished with my first semester of college prep courses online, and I'm struggling with elementary algebra. Not because I can't understand it but because of silly mistakes and anxiety. I forgot what it was like to be a student, and I took on a full-time schedule despite having a very active three-year-old to take care of. I gotta figure out how to control my thoughts and stop going down the rabbit hole with them. 

My eagerness to take on challenges drove me to dive headfirst into this, and I am determined to make the best of it. Going forward, I am excited to share my experiences as a full-time college student and a mother who is also running a business while trying to balance the demands of everyday life. My aim is to provide insightful, descriptive, and helpful content that can be of value to anyone. Join me on this new adventure that I am calling a Directional change: Climbing out of the rabbit hole.

Losing a friend caused reevaluation

I know it's been awhile since I have added anything here. I had to take a break, a break from everything going on. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, life threw me several curve balls. The first knocking my world upside down. In my Alice in Wonderland part 2 entry, I discussed my support team and how much we all meant to each other. One evening after spending the whole day working on a website design for one of my close friends and associates, my phone rang. I seen the name Jay come my screen and my first thought was what does he want. Jay never calls me, especially at this time. It was almost 11pm, the sound in his voice made my heart stop.  The words I heard next, took the breath out of me.  "Scott is gone, Steph. He just past away" All I could manage to say was Nooooo.

A lot of people can say what they want about Scott Watley. He had his flaws, we all do. Maybe I didn't know the old Scott. You see, Scott is the oldest son of my best friend. I have worked with Scott on and off for several years, not ever being real close to him until the last couple of years. Actually, untill I found out that I was pregnant. I don't know if it was his love for kids or if he understood my situation, and just reached out to be a friend. Because he himself had recently took custody of all his kids by marriage, as a single father.  (I wrote a breif story about this on his website) But whatever the reason, the past two years, Scott and I had become close. Maybe it was the kids, maybe it was my best friend, his mom and that situation or maybe some people just come into your life when you need their help the most. Whatever the reason, we might not ever know. But to me, Scott Watley was part of my inner circle, part of my support team. His business was one of my resources I could count on. Scott, like myself, did not separate his personal and professional life. He might of started off as just an associate from working with his moms business but he quickly became a close friend. 

I will never forget, him showing up at my house one Saturday afternoon and telling to me to get Brooklyn dressed and pack her diaper bag because she was going to her first friend's brithday party. And she was going with him. At the time Brooklyn, was barley a year old. Being an overprotective single mother, if it had been anyone else, I would have said no. Scott didn't ask if she could go, he told me he was taking her and I never doubted him. Not with her. I never doubted him with anything, with helping him setup his business, not with our friendship. Scott always came through on his word.

Losing him was hard.  and several chain of events that followed, lead me to take a step back and reevaluate just about every aspect of my life. Along with my approach on business. I took a couple of months off which I knew was going to be a hard hit. But one that I needed. I have realized that stepping back from situations, instead of stressing and forcing them, works best for me. Plus, I needed time to process.