Navigating the Milestones: Reflecting on My Daughter's Fourth Birthday

As parents, we all aspire to create the perfect birthday party for our children, filled with joy, love, and unforgettable memories. However, sometimes things don't go as planned. During my daughter's fourth birthday party, things took an unexpected turn, and it seemed like we were in a scene straight out of a redneck trailer park. Despite the party veering off course, it taught me valuable lessons about flexibility and resilience. Even amidst the chaos, I learned to embrace imperfection and find beauty in the unexpected. Reflecting on the redneck trailer park-like scenario that unfolded, the party reminded me that life doesn't always go as planned. Although the initial disappointment and frustration were overwhelming, I found that some of the adults' behavior was even worse than the kids' showin' out, and I was ready to leave. By this point, the party was practically over, and everyone was leaving due to the arguing. After leaving for a couple of hours, I was able to calm down. Eventually, I will learn to roll with the punches and to be more prepared for the unexpected.

Ultimately, the party was a valuable lesson in resilience and adaptability.

Resentment

I firmly believe that resentment is an emotion that cannot be overcome, no matter how hard one tries. Once you start to resent a person, place, or thing, I have always found it almost impossible to move forward. I can be civil and even friendly towards people I hate or envy. Anger, disappointment, regret, shame, and even disgust are complex negative emotions to get past, but resentment is a class by itself. Despite trying various methods, such as forgiveness, writing down my feelings, and meditation, I have not had any luck. However, 'they' say there are steps to take to work towards greater self-compassion and understanding.

I thought I had moved on from this, but it is not simple. I have forgiven all the parties involved, but the experience has changed my perspective on everything. This situation took away my personal and professional life. The worst part is my self-perception changed. As my life started falling apart, I began questioning everything I knew. I wasn't just hurt or heartbroken; I was devastated.

I knew I had to find a way to break the cycle and move forward. I had to find a way to rebuild my life, but I didn't know where to start. As each day went by, I felt increasingly lost and overwhelmed. I decided to focus on what I could do each day. I never really found my footing. I was only surviving. And to my surprise, life started to rebuild itself. It did not take off, and most of the trip was downhill before I began to climb. 

It's been 10 years, and I am content with life. I have a beautiful 3-year-old little girl. A boyfriend who is everything I could ever ask for, yet the total opposite of me. I just finished my first semester of my AA degree. I am working towards a better future and setting an example for my daughter. Life seems good.

I wake up. The room is black. I am lost and confused; I struggle to see what is around me. I finally feel my phone and light it up. It's 4:15 am. I am home in my bed with my daughter on one side and my boyfriend on the other. Oh, thank God, it was just the dream again. The dream that takes me face to face with the ones that destroyed me. With me being the butt of the joke all over again. The dream always feels so real, as if I am dying this time. I have learned not to go back to sleep because the dreams only get worse from here. I sneak out of bed, trying not to disturb the two snoring around me. I stop at the bedroom door, look back at the bed, and thank God for the two best things that ever happened to me. 

Sitting down in front of my computer, my mind going 100 mph all over the place. Reliving the words thrown around that caused all the negative feelings to flood my entire body. Feeling worthless and hopeless. Then, the fear of it happening again. STOP, I say out loud as if to quiet the thoughts in my head. Then I see it again.

You have to be kidding me? There's no way I am still dealing with this. I have moved on. Is it them that I resent? No. Maybe the whole situation, yeah. I feel as though it is much deeper than that. I believe it has to be me. And if I cannot figure this out and gain control of the cause, it will destroy me again. But how do you let go of something you don't even know you are holding on to?

At 43, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up (part 2)

Needless to say, neither of those jobs played out. The insurance thing said they was family first but they meant the insurance family, not mine. I wasn't looking for a full time job to begin with. I wanted something I could do part-time while staying at home with my 3 year old. So, I decided to jumped back on my computer and do what I do best. Writing. I started playing around with my website and revamped it. Made a couple of post for social media.  Which lead me into updating another site that I manage too. All the while thinking this is what I really enjoy doing. Being creative, capturing the imagination, engaging the reader's emotions with descriptive language.  

After many hours (more like several days), I have decided that I need to go back to school or  take a couple of business classes, maybe even some design classes or creative writing classes. In all reality I need a college degree. But in what? Which degree do you choose when you don't know what you want to be?  Well, at this rate I might graduate from college before Brooklyn does. 

"How can you tell her to get a college degree when you don't have one?" I know, I know. I should have kept my month shut before I had her. I set high expectations on the kind of parent I would be....when I thought I could not have kids. My inner voice constantly reminds me of all those predictions. But...I never thought I would have to be a 'grown-up' in that sense. 

Career (lack of)

It's May 1st. Starting month number 5, without a job. I have turned in over 200 resumes and applications, still nothing. Every time something looks promising, it doesn't come through. Now I'm not the one for pity-parties or poor-pitiful-me stories. I'm the kind of pick myself back up, brush it off and keep on rolling with it, something is bound to come through. Over 200 rejections. This is something I've never dealt with before and four months without a job, I'm lost on what to do next. The business isn't taking off and I know these things take time. But how much time do I have. I'm lucky enough that I live in a rental that was part of my previous employment. My best friend and I had an agreement that I wouldn't cost her anything to live here. The double-wide trailer should have been condemned before I started working on it to move in. I've done a lot to the place and still working on it. With me no longer being employed since her son took over and our employment contract came to an end, how long am I going to be able to stay where I am. I can't pay rent because I haven't found a job. I know I could go somewhere around here and get hired, don't get me wrong. I am not ready to put my little girl in daycare. This Friday she will be 2 years old. I'm not ready to be away from her 8-10 hours a day, to work full time only to cover the cost of daycare. There is no father, I am all she has. Me and my parents and I know my parents can't keep her that long either. Yes, I know how spoiled and selfish I sound. I guess that has been weighing on my mind the most. I'm gonna have to do something cause finding a job that I can work from home doesn't seem to be working out and it is stressing me out to the max. Not only feeling like a failure, I gotta be doing something wrong, and all the emotions that come with it but there is also the financial side of it. I am pretty good with money but when it's not coming in regularly it makes things really hard. By no means am I giving up, it's just a struggle that I'll deal with like all the rest. One of my best guy friends said something to me the other day that has stuck in my head and I kind of having a hard time wrapping my mind around. He said "Steph, your career is over for now". It can't be, I don't know how to separate my personal and professional life yet. I don't know how not to work and give my all, much less just not work at all. And what about Brooklyn?  As a single parent, do I really have to choose between raising my daughter or providing for her?