Resentment

I firmly believe that resentment is an emotion that cannot be overcome, no matter how hard one tries. Once you start to resent a person, place, or thing, I have always found it almost impossible to move forward. I can be civil and even friendly towards people I hate or envy. Anger, disappointment, regret, shame, and even disgust are complex negative emotions to get past, but resentment is a class by itself. Despite trying various methods, such as forgiveness, writing down my feelings, and meditation, I have not had any luck. However, 'they' say there are steps to take to work towards greater self-compassion and understanding.

I thought I had moved on from this, but it is not simple. I have forgiven all the parties involved, but the experience has changed my perspective on everything. This situation took away my personal and professional life. The worst part is my self-perception changed. As my life started falling apart, I began questioning everything I knew. I wasn't just hurt or heartbroken; I was devastated.

I knew I had to find a way to break the cycle and move forward. I had to find a way to rebuild my life, but I didn't know where to start. As each day went by, I felt increasingly lost and overwhelmed. I decided to focus on what I could do each day. I never really found my footing. I was only surviving. And to my surprise, life started to rebuild itself. It did not take off, and most of the trip was downhill before I began to climb. 

It's been 10 years, and I am content with life. I have a beautiful 3-year-old little girl. A boyfriend who is everything I could ever ask for, yet the total opposite of me. I just finished my first semester of my AA degree. I am working towards a better future and setting an example for my daughter. Life seems good.

I wake up. The room is black. I am lost and confused; I struggle to see what is around me. I finally feel my phone and light it up. It's 4:15 am. I am home in my bed with my daughter on one side and my boyfriend on the other. Oh, thank God, it was just the dream again. The dream that takes me face to face with the ones that destroyed me. With me being the butt of the joke all over again. The dream always feels so real, as if I am dying this time. I have learned not to go back to sleep because the dreams only get worse from here. I sneak out of bed, trying not to disturb the two snoring around me. I stop at the bedroom door, look back at the bed, and thank God for the two best things that ever happened to me. 

Sitting down in front of my computer, my mind going 100 mph all over the place. Reliving the words thrown around that caused all the negative feelings to flood my entire body. Feeling worthless and hopeless. Then, the fear of it happening again. STOP, I say out loud as if to quiet the thoughts in my head. Then I see it again.

You have to be kidding me? There's no way I am still dealing with this. I have moved on. Is it them that I resent? No. Maybe the whole situation, yeah. I feel as though it is much deeper than that. I believe it has to be me. And if I cannot figure this out and gain control of the cause, it will destroy me again. But how do you let go of something you don't even know you are holding on to?

Journey to WOSB cert

 Since February, I have been trying to get certified as a Woman Owned Small Business, With both the federal government and the State of Florida. These process take a long time if you choose to do them yourself. I don't see the point in paying some company to do the paperwork. Plus, I feel like I need to know the whole process myself. The requirements have changed a lot of the past few years. In 2016, when I did it for my best friends company, it was easy. The only thing that was required was the company's Articles of Organization, showing that it was owned by a female. 

They now want a list of detailed documents. Starting with Articles of Organization, percentage of ownership, proof of citizenship for each owner, government id for each, information on each spouse, payroll for the year prior, proof of business tax receipt paid to the county in which the business is located, designation Statement, certification of useful business, and declaration of Florida domicile.

Now I'm waiting on a decision. 

Directional change: Climbing out of the rabbit hole.

When I started this blog, I had a clear vision of sharing my experiences as a new mom, starting my own business, creating a family-oriented brand, and so on. But as life twists and turns, I deviated from my original plan. I lost sight of my image in my head, and I can't even remember when or where I lost it. My business venture turned out differently than I expected, and I realized I didn't know as much as I thought. However, being the stubborn redhead I am, I decided to fix that by returning to school while still developing my business and caring for my toddler. I thought it would be easy, but I quickly learned I needed to be corrected. I'm currently almost finished with my first semester of college prep courses online, and I'm struggling with elementary algebra. Not because I can't understand it but because of silly mistakes and anxiety. I forgot what it was like to be a student, and I took on a full-time schedule despite having a very active three-year-old to take care of. I gotta figure out how to control my thoughts and stop going down the rabbit hole with them. 

My eagerness to take on challenges drove me to dive headfirst into this, and I am determined to make the best of it. Going forward, I am excited to share my experiences as a full-time college student and a mother who is also running a business while trying to balance the demands of everyday life. My aim is to provide insightful, descriptive, and helpful content that can be of value to anyone. Join me on this new adventure that I am calling a Directional change: Climbing out of the rabbit hole.

At 43, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up (part 2)

Needless to say, neither of those jobs played out. The insurance thing said they was family first but they meant the insurance family, not mine. I wasn't looking for a full time job to begin with. I wanted something I could do part-time while staying at home with my 3 year old. So, I decided to jumped back on my computer and do what I do best. Writing. I started playing around with my website and revamped it. Made a couple of post for social media.  Which lead me into updating another site that I manage too. All the while thinking this is what I really enjoy doing. Being creative, capturing the imagination, engaging the reader's emotions with descriptive language.  

After many hours (more like several days), I have decided that I need to go back to school or  take a couple of business classes, maybe even some design classes or creative writing classes. In all reality I need a college degree. But in what? Which degree do you choose when you don't know what you want to be?  Well, at this rate I might graduate from college before Brooklyn does. 

"How can you tell her to get a college degree when you don't have one?" I know, I know. I should have kept my month shut before I had her. I set high expectations on the kind of parent I would be....when I thought I could not have kids. My inner voice constantly reminds me of all those predictions. But...I never thought I would have to be a 'grown-up' in that sense. 

At 43, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up

 Okay, so I took a detour. At 43, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I needed to stop and get focused. Since the beginning of the year, I started looking for a normal job because it seemed to me as if the business wasn't going as planned. I finally got  registered with the state and federal government. And I'm in the process of becoming a certified woman owned small business. Self certification is a drawn out process. I've learned so many new things through this journey that I didn't know before. But before I get into that, back to the job hunt. So I landed two jobs at once and got a little overwhelmed at first. Going from working for myself and staying at home with my little girl to working full time and studying to get my life insurance license in the evenings. Talk about stepping out of my comfort zone. The insurance job sounded like my dream job. The company said that family was first and they understood that I had a small child at home. I would be able to learn at my own pace and they would be there to support me all the way. It did start out that way. Then I got the phone call saying I got the job at a local, well know pine straw company as the Accounts payable position and I was overly excited. It was an 8am-5pm Monday - Friday job, less than 20 minutes from my house. My parents house is halfway between here and there, so I could drop my daughter off on the way to work and pick up her on the way home. The job required Quickbooks knowledge and I am Quickbooks Certified. I have been working with Quickbooks since the start of All-Tech Communications. Although I have never had a job other than working for myself, that had no job description. My first day I was shown my desk and was given my login information and that was it. There was policy or procedures. Now most AP jobs are pretty much the same. You pay the bills and track down any past due invoices. Pretty easy, right. Wrong! Not when you can't issue checks in Quickbooks, or pull bank statements, or even login to online bill pay accounts. Each day I was at work early (which says a lot because I am late to everything!) and I stayed late trying to figure out how I was supposed to do my job if I had no guidelines and didn't have the resources needed to complete the task at hand. Needless to say, I didn't go back after the first week. I will not listen to sideways comments nor will I listen to my supervisor degraded me to co-workers.

                                                                                                                         (to be continued)