Losing a friend caused reevaluation

I know it's been awhile since I have added anything here. I had to take a break, a break from everything going on. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, life threw me several curve balls. The first knocking my world upside down. In my Alice in Wonderland part 2 entry, I discussed my support team and how much we all meant to each other. One evening after spending the whole day working on a website design for one of my close friends and associates, my phone rang. I seen the name Jay come my screen and my first thought was what does he want. Jay never calls me, especially at this time. It was almost 11pm, the sound in his voice made my heart stop.  The words I heard next, took the breath out of me.  "Scott is gone, Steph. He just past away" All I could manage to say was Nooooo.

A lot of people can say what they want about Scott Watley. He had his flaws, we all do. Maybe I didn't know the old Scott. You see, Scott is the oldest son of my best friend. I have worked with Scott on and off for several years, not ever being real close to him until the last couple of years. Actually, untill I found out that I was pregnant. I don't know if it was his love for kids or if he understood my situation, and just reached out to be a friend. Because he himself had recently took custody of all his kids by marriage, as a single father.  (I wrote a breif story about this on his website) But whatever the reason, the past two years, Scott and I had become close. Maybe it was the kids, maybe it was my best friend, his mom and that situation or maybe some people just come into your life when you need their help the most. Whatever the reason, we might not ever know. But to me, Scott Watley was part of my inner circle, part of my support team. His business was one of my resources I could count on. Scott, like myself, did not separate his personal and professional life. He might of started off as just an associate from working with his moms business but he quickly became a close friend. 

I will never forget, him showing up at my house one Saturday afternoon and telling to me to get Brooklyn dressed and pack her diaper bag because she was going to her first friend's brithday party. And she was going with him. At the time Brooklyn, was barley a year old. Being an overprotective single mother, if it had been anyone else, I would have said no. Scott didn't ask if she could go, he told me he was taking her and I never doubted him. Not with her. I never doubted him with anything, with helping him setup his business, not with our friendship. Scott always came through on his word.

Losing him was hard.  and several chain of events that followed, lead me to take a step back and reevaluate just about every aspect of my life. Along with my approach on business. I took a couple of months off which I knew was going to be a hard hit. But one that I needed. I have realized that stepping back from situations, instead of stressing and forcing them, works best for me. Plus, I needed time to process.  

Alice in Wonderland (Part 2)

While doing a little research on Alice In Wonderland, I came across Debra Smouse "When You’ve Fall Down the Rabbit Hole: 17 Ways to Climb Out." Seeing that I often use that reference, finding this article is right on track for me. You see, I can relate to this story, on so many different levels. Some days I am Alice chasing the rabbit and some days I am the white rabbit. As in, I am always running late and giving too much of myself to other people. I love hard, regardless of the type of love. Family, friends, significant other, and business associates. I know no separation between personal & professional life, just like the white rabbit. Which can lead me down a rabbit hole, triggering my own confusing views of reality. Today, I can thank Debra Smouse for showing me how to climb out before falling deeper. I love what I do and I love my crew. We tolerate a lot from each other, being that we spend a lot of time together. I am blessed to work with friends that I trust (I have to remind myself of this daily). Newc Solutions is more than just me, and Kelsie (who also lives with me). There are a lot of behind the scenes people involved, some that are my resources. They have their own businesses or work for themselves doing their own thing but I can call on them and they make solutions for whatever problem is at hand . Some people are more of a support team, listening to ideas or just allowing us to talk out loud. In reality, we all work together. A paycheck doesn't make you part of an organization or a company, it makes you an employee. Newc Solutions has no employees. We work a little differently. Our goal is to succeed at helping others be successful. We know what we are good at and we know what we can do so our approach on this business is like no other that we have done before. If it takes a village to raise a child, why wouldn't it take a village to be successful? Why not find out what each person brings to the table, then go from there. Insead of having one company that does it all, we have multiple small businesses that comes togerther to support each other. Maybe our view of success is different from the norm. Maybe past lifestyles or major events has caused each of us to reevaluate what is most important to us. And by coming together, using what we are each good at, and making our resources available to all those that are involved, we are able to build something bigger than any of us while not losing focus on what matters the most. This time around it isn't money or social status that defines success. Being able to both provide for and raise my daughter happily is plenty of success for me. Knowing I have a support team of business associates with the same views, means my village won't allow individual failure. This crew builds with each other. It takes all involved to be successful.  This is our twisted version of reality. This is our real-life Wonderland. Except, we save the emotional manipulation for our advertisements and marketing strategies. We use play-on-words to again your atte vntion, not to deceit our abilities. New problems require Newc Solutions! Give us a try and find out why   

Alice in Wonderland

Playing with someones emotions is one of the worse kind of 'playing around' that you can do as an adult.  Although it isn't easily spotted in the beginning, there are some red flags that you should educate yourself on. It may take months or years for you to realize that is going on and the time it takes to recoup from that kind of mental manipulation can take a lifetime. To this day, I still question everyone's motives. Some individuals turn it into a game. One that you cannot win. It always feels as if you are trying to keep up with the situation at hand. Either professionally and personally, you don't seem to understand. You question everything, starting with yourself first. Then the ones around you because the only way to keep you envolved to make you question reality. When you have been through it several times and you catch the signs. You know they are purposely engaging in a specific conversation to get an emotional reaction from you. It is a toxic cycle of abuse that can spiral out of control. When you know it is going on and you allow it to happen...'Okay, I will follow you down that rabbit whole'...giving them the reaction that they wished for. But in the end, they appear to be the one wondering what could have caused that reaction. Does this make me the crazy one, am I going insane? Or am I beyond that, spinning my wheels in the shadows of my crazy mind. Like Alice in her confusing wonderland, being pushed from one emotion to the next. With the King and Queen of Hearts yelling off with her head.                                                                        

 

My FaceBook rant

 This is not something I usually do but today I am on my soapbox! I am still banned from FaceBook Marketplace. Are you serious right now? I'm so ready to bash the whole Facebook idea all together. I am not a scammer but they will allow these idiots to post stuff and publish stupid stuff all day long. I didn't violate any policy. The house I posted really was for rent, it was owned by the name of the agent I was working for and I sent them all of the information I had. The corresponding emails between myself and the agent along with all text messages between us and they still don't care. I could understand if I had broken several rules in the past or if I posted things that were questionable or if I was someone who had twisted views on life, politics and religion or if I was obvious to social media etiquette. (Most of the people on Facebook can't even comprehend what I just said and I get banned?) I am always on my best behavior, I understand that social media is equivalent to having the general public watching everything you do. I know there is no such thing as privacy on social media so I conduct myself accordingly. I stay away from offensive material. I do not bully anyone or make negative comments. I try to be a supportive, positive person, online and in real life.  I could create another account and get on Marketplace like that but wouldn't that be violating some policy also? They don't care about that one as much. Everyone I know does that when they get put in Facebook jail (which I have never been there). I don't want to create another account. I have had my same account since I first joined. I have enough to keep up with chasing after my two year old. I don't have time to keep up with two Facebook accounts. I know this is crazy for me to go on aboutand i should just let it go.  I try to follow the rules and guidelines but I end up getting myself into situations that leave me dumbfounded. Guess that's the story of my life summed up in one sentence. Wow, now let that sink in.

Career (lack of)

It's May 1st. Starting month number 5, without a job. I have turned in over 200 resumes and applications, still nothing. Every time something looks promising, it doesn't come through. Now I'm not the one for pity-parties or poor-pitiful-me stories. I'm the kind of pick myself back up, brush it off and keep on rolling with it, something is bound to come through. Over 200 rejections. This is something I've never dealt with before and four months without a job, I'm lost on what to do next. The business isn't taking off and I know these things take time. But how much time do I have. I'm lucky enough that I live in a rental that was part of my previous employment. My best friend and I had an agreement that I wouldn't cost her anything to live here. The double-wide trailer should have been condemned before I started working on it to move in. I've done a lot to the place and still working on it. With me no longer being employed since her son took over and our employment contract came to an end, how long am I going to be able to stay where I am. I can't pay rent because I haven't found a job. I know I could go somewhere around here and get hired, don't get me wrong. I am not ready to put my little girl in daycare. This Friday she will be 2 years old. I'm not ready to be away from her 8-10 hours a day, to work full time only to cover the cost of daycare. There is no father, I am all she has. Me and my parents and I know my parents can't keep her that long either. Yes, I know how spoiled and selfish I sound. I guess that has been weighing on my mind the most. I'm gonna have to do something cause finding a job that I can work from home doesn't seem to be working out and it is stressing me out to the max. Not only feeling like a failure, I gotta be doing something wrong, and all the emotions that come with it but there is also the financial side of it. I am pretty good with money but when it's not coming in regularly it makes things really hard. By no means am I giving up, it's just a struggle that I'll deal with like all the rest. One of my best guy friends said something to me the other day that has stuck in my head and I kind of having a hard time wrapping my mind around. He said "Steph, your career is over for now". It can't be, I don't know how to separate my personal and professional life yet. I don't know how not to work and give my all, much less just not work at all. And what about Brooklyn?  As a single parent, do I really have to choose between raising my daughter or providing for her?

I hate scammers

I got kicked off Facebook Marketplace today. Apparently I didn't follow their guidelines. With trying to be a stay at home mom for my little girl and trying to get my business up and going at the same time and trying to survive, I decided to take on a few virtual assistant jobs. On Indeed or LinkedIn, I have applied for so many. One was a Real Estate agent. Since I was a property manager for my best friend, I thought perfect. I talked to the agent, verified his phone number, even verified the houses he wanted me to list. When I found the house on Realtor.com for almost double, I confronted him and he told me that the higher price was for rent-to-own. Which is how things normally work. I even asked if it was a scam. I didn't expect him to answer that question honestly. That part doesn't surprise me at all. What is surprising is the fact that Marketplace doesn't give me a chance to explain. Just banned, that's all folks. I hit the review button and they responded that I did not follow their policies. There is no place to say anything. No way to do anything except accept what they say. I could understand if it had happened before but this is the first time. So, I went to the feedback button. Somewhere someone is going to hear my side. I uploaded the pictures from the job board, the text messages between the agent and myself along with the emails and phone numbers. Where it asked how they could improve Marketplace, I explained the whole situation. At the bottom of the page I added "Y'all need a place to explain why you want it reviewed before you review it and you need to look at the whole situation." I posted 1 house for rent, just one. Then I turned my attention back to the scammer. I sent him another message, asking him what was he hoping for, that someone would give him a credit card number for a deposit? That he needed to up his game on being a scammer. And he won't talk to me now. The world we live in today, I swear. Everything is online and you can't trust anybody. 

Some days I wonder how I made it this far

Okay so leaving the screen up with an entire page of writing on it, was not a good idea. Somehow my not-quite 2 year old managed to select the page and delete it, then started typing away. It's cute that she is trying to be like mommy but it is not cute that I lost everything I had wrote down. Plus, she has her own tablet (don't judge) just for that reason (it's not the first time I lost something due to her playing on my computer). 

A little more background

My big brother & me

So, I'm going to be all over the place trying to catch you to the present times. The little asterisk marks ✳  are side notes that I'll come back to later on. More for my memory than anything else. Sometimes I can't keep up with my thoughts, I try not to chase the squirrels that run through my mind. I am a true Virgo, always analyzing everything around me. Growing up with an older brother that constantly picked on me, made me self-aware of any flaws. I can honestly say that he is the reason I am able to do this today. You see, growing up I basically worshiped the ground he walked on. With five and half years between us, he didn't want a baby sister. I was grown before I ever realized that he truly has a love for me. All those years, living in his shadow, I thought he only tolerate me because he had no other choice (I'm still pretty sure that is a big part of it). My parents used me as part of his punishment. When he did something they didn't approve of, I was part of his restriction. The next time he asked to go anywhere outside of school or football practice, he had to take me with him. He would gripe and complain about it to our parents but as soon as we left the house, he would figure out a way to use me to his advantage. I cannot count the times sitting in the back seat of his extended cab, lifted up Toyota, that his females friends would come over to the truck to talk to me. Coaching me to get out although Brad had told me I wasn't allowed. They all thought it was so sweet of him to bring along his shy baby sister. Looking back, only God knows what he told them about me. It would leave me confused. Anyways, he was a Senior in high school when I was in 6th grade. After Graduation, he signed up for USMC BootCamp. My brother was going to be a Marine. I still remember being happy for him when I was told he was leaving but crying about it when I was alone. The thought of him leaving had never crossed my mind. He might not have liked me but a lot of my world revolved around him. Who was I gonna practice softball with, he was the reason I was playing anyways, cause I wanted to be close to him. I do remember thinking the Marines would be good for him. Maybe it help him control his temper because he didn't need to be a better fighter. Brad was not scared to throw hands with anyone. Sitting in that backseat, I have seen too many times what he could do. He might not have started them all but I know that he did finish them all (another reason I wasn't allowed to get out of the truck). After he was gone, I definitely became the nerdy sibling. It started with writing him letters while he was gone, it turned into a way of processing the thoughts in my head. Which in time turned into this. 

                                                                                          

 

Let me introduce myself

Hi, my name is Stephanie Smith. I am 42 years old with a daughter that will be 2 years old next month. (I'll explain later). I come from a fairytale family. My parents are still happily married, as were both sets of grandparents. I have one older brother. Brad is 5 and half years older than me (to the hour). My parents raised us right, we went to church every Sunday (both morning & evening services) and on Wednesday evenings. We ate dinner together every night and discussed our day. Fairytale, right? I cannot complain about the way I was raised. But I couldn't wait to get away from it after high school. Maybe it was the rebellious part of me, maybe it was my choice of friends or just wanting a different lifestyle altogether. I wanted to have fun. Life was one big party, right? At age 19, I was told I couldn't have children, and I was perfectly fine with that. I didn't want any. I watched my friends have babies, and it seemed as if their life was over cause going out and having fun revolved around the ability of a babysitter. I was married at age 25 and divorced at 35. Those 10 years were some of the best but hardest times. That is when I learned everything about being in business, from start-ups to operations and from bookkeeping to marketing. Our businesses filled the void of children in our marriage. (Or so I thought, during our divorce, his girlfriend got pregnant). The break-up of that marriage devastated me. It ripped both my personal and professional world out from under me at the same time. I vowed that would never happen again.  I continued doing the same kind of work though. Helping a few friends turn their companies into businesses. One night at my best friend's house, I met a guy. He was also in business for himself, thus was the second marriage revolved around working together. After a couple of years of dating and a year married, divorce #2 wasn't so bad. During that time, that same best friend had just been handed a business by her husband's health declining and she asked me to help out. And I was right back to doing what I know best in the business world.