The Brains Reward System Analogy:

 The Brains Reward System Analogy:

Think of the brain's reward system like a garden. When you nurture it with healthy activities—like exercise, hobbies, sex, and social interactions—it flourishes, producing vibrant flowers and fruits (the release of dopamine and feelings of pleasure). However, if you start introducing weeds (like drug use), they can quickly take over, choking out the healthy plants and throwing the entire ecosystem off balance. Just as a gardener must tend to the garden to restore its beauty, individuals struggling with addiction must address their brain's reward system to cultivate a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Addiction: You Choose

 Addiction: You Choose

As human beings, we possess an extraordinary ability to exercise free will. Every day, the choices we make directly impact the course of our lives. From the moment we open our eyes in the morning to the time we close them at night, we are faced with a multitude of decisions that we must make. Even the decision to refrain from making a choice is still a choice in itself. This fact can be empowering, as it means that we have the power to create the life we want through our choices. However, it also means that we must take responsibility for the consequences of those choices. 

Addiction is not a chronic disease but a rational choice process. While addiction is a complex issue that may involve a variety of factors, at its core, it is a choice that a person has made. Recognizing this fact is a crucial step in overcoming addiction and taking control of one's life. The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) and the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) recognize addiction as a chronic illness that affects the brain and can result in relapses, much like other chronic diseases such as diabetes, asthma, or heart disease. 

Drug addiction: Is it a disease or a choice? Marc Branch's review of Gene Heyman's book 'Addiction: A Disorder of Choice' (2011) discusses Heyman's perspective. Heyman suggests that addiction can arise from typical and fundamental decision-making processes, and individuals do not necessarily choose to become addicts. Rather, a typical decision-making process can lead to addiction. Heyman believes that choice-by-choice contingencies play a crucial role in determining an individual's choices, rather than the outcome of sequences of choices. Although some people argue that genetic factors contribute to addiction, Heyman acknowledges genetic contributions but asserts that they are not a reliable basis for concluding that drug abuse is a disease process. According to Branch (2011), Heyman's theory is as follows:

 “That addiction is tied to changes in brain structure and function is what makes it, fundamentally, a disease.” (Leshner, 1997, p. 45) The logic of this statement is obviously fallacious, as Heyman is quick to point out. Any persistent change in behavior is going to be associated with changes in the central nervous system because the nervous system participates in behavior. One might as well conclude, say, that reading is a disease because the brains of readers necessarily differ from those of nonreaders. (pp263–267)

Scientists have discovered techniques that can predict self-defeating and selfish behavior patterns. These laws of choice predict how different species, including humans, choose between different commodities and activities. The relevance of these laws to addiction and other self-defeating behaviors is that they predict stable yet suboptimal patterns of behavior. A common feature of addictive drugs is that they provide immediate benefits but delayed costs. Scores of studies support the analysis that persistent drug use reflects the workings of a local optimum, whereas controlled drug use or abstinence reflects the workings of a global optimum.

In the past, addiction studies were limited to individuals who had been incarcerated, such as detoxification, in American prisons, hospitals, or similar institutions. These studies typically included individuals with extensive criminal records, limited work experience, low-cost marriage rates, and lower-than-average education. As a result, the understanding of addiction as a chronic illness was based on a sample of drug users whose demographic characteristics are now known to be comparable to the factors that make quitting difficult.

However, the 1960s saw the emergence of drug addiction among college campuses and affluent neighborhoods, and addiction began affecting individuals from all walks of life, including those who were employed, married, and highly educated. Consequently, the natural history of addiction shifted, with family, work, and the difficulties of an unlawful lifestyle often causing the desire to become high. Contrary to popular belief, every major epidemiological study conducted over the past 30 years reflects this reality. Studies have demonstrated that addiction is no longer confined to a specific demographic, and individuals from all backgrounds can be affected. Furthermore, these studies have demonstrated that quitting drugs is not just a matter of willpower, but rather it is a complex process that requires extensive medical assistance, counseling, and support from family and friends. By recognizing the changing nature of addiction and adopting a more holistic approach to treatment, we can assist those struggling with addiction to overcome their challenges and lead wholesome, gratifying lives.

Navigating the Milestones: Reflecting on My Daughter's Fourth Birthday

As parents, we all aspire to create the perfect birthday party for our children, filled with joy, love, and unforgettable memories. However, sometimes things don't go as planned. During my daughter's fourth birthday party, things took an unexpected turn, and it seemed like we were in a scene straight out of a redneck trailer park. Despite the party veering off course, it taught me valuable lessons about flexibility and resilience. Even amidst the chaos, I learned to embrace imperfection and find beauty in the unexpected. Reflecting on the redneck trailer park-like scenario that unfolded, the party reminded me that life doesn't always go as planned. Although the initial disappointment and frustration were overwhelming, I found that some of the adults' behavior was even worse than the kids' showin' out, and I was ready to leave. By this point, the party was practically over, and everyone was leaving due to the arguing. After leaving for a couple of hours, I was able to calm down. Eventually, I will learn to roll with the punches and to be more prepared for the unexpected.

Ultimately, the party was a valuable lesson in resilience and adaptability.

PTK

I am at the end of my second semester of college but the first set of classes working towards my degree. 20 years out of highschool, I needed a couple of prep courses first. The first semester was kind of easy and I was excited to be on the right path. Little did I know what that path would be. The second semester hit a little harder, most of my days are spent studying or working on assignments. I love it! I love learning new things, even if it means correcting what I thought I knew. I am among the oldest in my classes but that doesn't stop me from feeling like a college kid. I put my all into my classes. My boyfriend would say I put too much into it but I don't think so. 

This semester has been a real eye opening experience for me. My Freshman comp 1 required 3 major essays. I had to retake my prep algebra course because I failed the first attempt online. American Government is something...well I will keep my views on the government to myself so its just been another course I have to tread lightly on. And my business course is my favorite. That is what I am going to school for. 

This coming up week is final exams. I should be studying. But last Friday I received an email that I never expected. It was an invisition to join the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society. Me, an honor student? I can not believe it. And a couple of days before that I received an email to tryout for Cheerleading. Do these people have me confused with someone else? I am 44 years old. 

So I responded to the PTK and joined the Honor Society. 

Scattered thoughts

It's been a few months again. I'll learn to juggle college and teach Brookie pre-k at home one day. Let's just say life. This morning, I saw a TikTok video that touched me deeply because it was about resentment. And my last post was about resentment. It was from Kelly Kopp (if you need to find out who he is, look him up). But let me back up right here for a minute. 

Y'all know I was raised in a very Christian home with a picture-perfect family. My dad was my momma's first boyfriend. They dated for 3 years, got married, and waited four more years to have my older brother. This means they got to know each other before adding more stress to the relationship. Then, five and a half years after my brother was born, I came along. My parents had us very much involved in church till we got grown. Then, he and I both quit going. My brother started drinking at an early age, and he still drinks. My ex-husband introduced me to drugs, and well, it's been a battle. I know my parents wanted a different life for us both, and I know they still pray for us daily. But lately, God has been working on my heart. Or I may have started listening. Don't get me wrong, I have always believed in God, and I know Jesus Christ died for our sins. I attend church occasionally and help my parents with their ministry when needed. I can tell you everything you are supposed to do and reference the bible verses to back it up. But I feel like I have been living a double life, kind of. And it is wearing on me. Lately, I have been listening to YouTube videos about the bible and trying to understand it as an adult, not the children's bible version. I haven't started going back to church, but I know I need to. I have a hard time with religion because I feel like they all get lost in the rules and forget the purpose. 

Back to this TicTok video, Kelly said something that made so much sense to me (it made me feel stupid for not knowing). He said pray for the person you have resentment towards. Not a bless their heart Southern prayer but pray like you would for a family member. Even though you might not feel like you meant it at first. Leave the rest up to the Holy Spirit. Over time, your heart will change, and before you know it, you will mean every word in that prayer, and the resentment will be gone. 

This post is all over the place and probably makes no sense to anyone except me. I will explain a little later. I still need to process some of the thoughts. To be continued...

Victim mentality

 

Victim mentality is a psychological state in which an individual feels that they are constantly at the mercy of external factors and that they have no control over their life circumstances. People with this mindset often see themselves as helpless victims of their environment and tend to attribute their problems to external factors such as other people, society, or the universe at large. This can lead to hopelessness, powerlessness, and frustration and prevent individuals from taking meaningful action to improve their situation.

Analyses of victim mentality suggest that it can arise from a variety of factors, including past trauma, negative experiences, and a lack of self-esteem. People who have experienced significant adversity or discrimination may be more likely to develop this mindset, as they may feel that the world is inherently unjust or unfair. Additionally, societal messages that emphasize victimhood or powerlessness can reinforce this way of thinking, particularly for marginalized or disadvantaged groups.

Despite its negative effects, victim mentality can be difficult to overcome, as it may be deeply ingrained in an individual's self-concept. However, there are strategies that can help individuals shift their mindset and take control of their lives. These include building self-esteem and self-efficacy, seeking out supportive relationships and resources, and developing a growth-oriented mindset that emphasizes personal responsibility and resilience.

In conclusion, victim mentality is a complex psychological state that can have significant impacts on individuals' lives. While it can be challenging to overcome, it is important to recognize its effects and work towards empowering individuals to take control of their own lives and overcome their challenges.

Resentment

I firmly believe that resentment is an emotion that cannot be overcome, no matter how hard one tries. Once you start to resent a person, place, or thing, I have always found it almost impossible to move forward. I can be civil and even friendly towards people I hate or envy. Anger, disappointment, regret, shame, and even disgust are complex negative emotions to get past, but resentment is a class by itself. Despite trying various methods, such as forgiveness, writing down my feelings, and meditation, I have not had any luck. However, 'they' say there are steps to take to work towards greater self-compassion and understanding.

I thought I had moved on from this, but it is not simple. I have forgiven all the parties involved, but the experience has changed my perspective on everything. This situation took away my personal and professional life. The worst part is my self-perception changed. As my life started falling apart, I began questioning everything I knew. I wasn't just hurt or heartbroken; I was devastated.

I knew I had to find a way to break the cycle and move forward. I had to find a way to rebuild my life, but I didn't know where to start. As each day went by, I felt increasingly lost and overwhelmed. I decided to focus on what I could do each day. I never really found my footing. I was only surviving. And to my surprise, life started to rebuild itself. It did not take off, and most of the trip was downhill before I began to climb. 

It's been 10 years, and I am content with life. I have a beautiful 3-year-old little girl. A boyfriend who is everything I could ever ask for, yet the total opposite of me. I just finished my first semester of my AA degree. I am working towards a better future and setting an example for my daughter. Life seems good.

I wake up. The room is black. I am lost and confused; I struggle to see what is around me. I finally feel my phone and light it up. It's 4:15 am. I am home in my bed with my daughter on one side and my boyfriend on the other. Oh, thank God, it was just the dream again. The dream that takes me face to face with the ones that destroyed me. With me being the butt of the joke all over again. The dream always feels so real, as if I am dying this time. I have learned not to go back to sleep because the dreams only get worse from here. I sneak out of bed, trying not to disturb the two snoring around me. I stop at the bedroom door, look back at the bed, and thank God for the two best things that ever happened to me. 

Sitting down in front of my computer, my mind going 100 mph all over the place. Reliving the words thrown around that caused all the negative feelings to flood my entire body. Feeling worthless and hopeless. Then, the fear of it happening again. STOP, I say out loud as if to quiet the thoughts in my head. Then I see it again.

You have to be kidding me? There's no way I am still dealing with this. I have moved on. Is it them that I resent? No. Maybe the whole situation, yeah. I feel as though it is much deeper than that. I believe it has to be me. And if I cannot figure this out and gain control of the cause, it will destroy me again. But how do you let go of something you don't even know you are holding on to?

Journey to WOSB cert

 Since February, I have been trying to get certified as a Woman Owned Small Business, With both the federal government and the State of Florida. These process take a long time if you choose to do them yourself. I don't see the point in paying some company to do the paperwork. Plus, I feel like I need to know the whole process myself. The requirements have changed a lot of the past few years. In 2016, when I did it for my best friends company, it was easy. The only thing that was required was the company's Articles of Organization, showing that it was owned by a female. 

They now want a list of detailed documents. Starting with Articles of Organization, percentage of ownership, proof of citizenship for each owner, government id for each, information on each spouse, payroll for the year prior, proof of business tax receipt paid to the county in which the business is located, designation Statement, certification of useful business, and declaration of Florida domicile.

Now I'm waiting on a decision. 

Directional change: Climbing out of the rabbit hole.

When I started this blog, I had a clear vision of sharing my experiences as a new mom, starting my own business, creating a family-oriented brand, and so on. But as life twists and turns, I deviated from my original plan. I lost sight of my image in my head, and I can't even remember when or where I lost it. My business venture turned out differently than I expected, and I realized I didn't know as much as I thought. However, being the stubborn redhead I am, I decided to fix that by returning to school while still developing my business and caring for my toddler. I thought it would be easy, but I quickly learned I needed to be corrected. I'm currently almost finished with my first semester of college prep courses online, and I'm struggling with elementary algebra. Not because I can't understand it but because of silly mistakes and anxiety. I forgot what it was like to be a student, and I took on a full-time schedule despite having a very active three-year-old to take care of. I gotta figure out how to control my thoughts and stop going down the rabbit hole with them. 

My eagerness to take on challenges drove me to dive headfirst into this, and I am determined to make the best of it. Going forward, I am excited to share my experiences as a full-time college student and a mother who is also running a business while trying to balance the demands of everyday life. My aim is to provide insightful, descriptive, and helpful content that can be of value to anyone. Join me on this new adventure that I am calling a Directional change: Climbing out of the rabbit hole.

At 43, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up (part 2)

Needless to say, neither of those jobs played out. The insurance thing said they was family first but they meant the insurance family, not mine. I wasn't looking for a full time job to begin with. I wanted something I could do part-time while staying at home with my 3 year old. So, I decided to jumped back on my computer and do what I do best. Writing. I started playing around with my website and revamped it. Made a couple of post for social media.  Which lead me into updating another site that I manage too. All the while thinking this is what I really enjoy doing. Being creative, capturing the imagination, engaging the reader's emotions with descriptive language.  

After many hours (more like several days), I have decided that I need to go back to school or  take a couple of business classes, maybe even some design classes or creative writing classes. In all reality I need a college degree. But in what? Which degree do you choose when you don't know what you want to be?  Well, at this rate I might graduate from college before Brooklyn does. 

"How can you tell her to get a college degree when you don't have one?" I know, I know. I should have kept my month shut before I had her. I set high expectations on the kind of parent I would be....when I thought I could not have kids. My inner voice constantly reminds me of all those predictions. But...I never thought I would have to be a 'grown-up' in that sense. 

At 43, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up

 Okay, so I took a detour. At 43, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I needed to stop and get focused. Since the beginning of the year, I started looking for a normal job because it seemed to me as if the business wasn't going as planned. I finally got  registered with the state and federal government. And I'm in the process of becoming a certified woman owned small business. Self certification is a drawn out process. I've learned so many new things through this journey that I didn't know before. But before I get into that, back to the job hunt. So I landed two jobs at once and got a little overwhelmed at first. Going from working for myself and staying at home with my little girl to working full time and studying to get my life insurance license in the evenings. Talk about stepping out of my comfort zone. The insurance job sounded like my dream job. The company said that family was first and they understood that I had a small child at home. I would be able to learn at my own pace and they would be there to support me all the way. It did start out that way. Then I got the phone call saying I got the job at a local, well know pine straw company as the Accounts payable position and I was overly excited. It was an 8am-5pm Monday - Friday job, less than 20 minutes from my house. My parents house is halfway between here and there, so I could drop my daughter off on the way to work and pick up her on the way home. The job required Quickbooks knowledge and I am Quickbooks Certified. I have been working with Quickbooks since the start of All-Tech Communications. Although I have never had a job other than working for myself, that had no job description. My first day I was shown my desk and was given my login information and that was it. There was policy or procedures. Now most AP jobs are pretty much the same. You pay the bills and track down any past due invoices. Pretty easy, right. Wrong! Not when you can't issue checks in Quickbooks, or pull bank statements, or even login to online bill pay accounts. Each day I was at work early (which says a lot because I am late to everything!) and I stayed late trying to figure out how I was supposed to do my job if I had no guidelines and didn't have the resources needed to complete the task at hand. Needless to say, I didn't go back after the first week. I will not listen to sideways comments nor will I listen to my supervisor degraded me to co-workers.

                                                                                                                         (to be continued)

Losing a friend caused reevaluation

I know it's been awhile since I have added anything here. I had to take a break, a break from everything going on. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, life threw me several curve balls. The first knocking my world upside down. In my Alice in Wonderland part 2 entry, I discussed my support team and how much we all meant to each other. One evening after spending the whole day working on a website design for one of my close friends and associates, my phone rang. I seen the name Jay come my screen and my first thought was what does he want. Jay never calls me, especially at this time. It was almost 11pm, the sound in his voice made my heart stop.  The words I heard next, took the breath out of me.  "Scott is gone, Steph. He just past away" All I could manage to say was Nooooo.

A lot of people can say what they want about Scott Watley. He had his flaws, we all do. Maybe I didn't know the old Scott. You see, Scott is the oldest son of my best friend. I have worked with Scott on and off for several years, not ever being real close to him until the last couple of years. Actually, untill I found out that I was pregnant. I don't know if it was his love for kids or if he understood my situation, and just reached out to be a friend. Because he himself had recently took custody of all his kids by marriage, as a single father.  (I wrote a breif story about this on his website) But whatever the reason, the past two years, Scott and I had become close. Maybe it was the kids, maybe it was my best friend, his mom and that situation or maybe some people just come into your life when you need their help the most. Whatever the reason, we might not ever know. But to me, Scott Watley was part of my inner circle, part of my support team. His business was one of my resources I could count on. Scott, like myself, did not separate his personal and professional life. He might of started off as just an associate from working with his moms business but he quickly became a close friend. 

I will never forget, him showing up at my house one Saturday afternoon and telling to me to get Brooklyn dressed and pack her diaper bag because she was going to her first friend's brithday party. And she was going with him. At the time Brooklyn, was barley a year old. Being an overprotective single mother, if it had been anyone else, I would have said no. Scott didn't ask if she could go, he told me he was taking her and I never doubted him. Not with her. I never doubted him with anything, with helping him setup his business, not with our friendship. Scott always came through on his word.

Losing him was hard.  and several chain of events that followed, lead me to take a step back and reevaluate just about every aspect of my life. Along with my approach on business. I took a couple of months off which I knew was going to be a hard hit. But one that I needed. I have realized that stepping back from situations, instead of stressing and forcing them, works best for me. Plus, I needed time to process.  

Alice in Wonderland (Part 2)

While doing a little research on Alice In Wonderland, I came across Debra Smouse "When You’ve Fall Down the Rabbit Hole: 17 Ways to Climb Out." Seeing that I often use that reference, finding this article is right on track for me. You see, I can relate to this story, on so many different levels. Some days I am Alice chasing the rabbit and some days I am the white rabbit. As in, I am always running late and giving too much of myself to other people. I love hard, regardless of the type of love. Family, friends, significant other, and business associates. I know no separation between personal & professional life, just like the white rabbit. Which can lead me down a rabbit hole, triggering my own confusing views of reality. Today, I can thank Debra Smouse for showing me how to climb out before falling deeper. I love what I do and I love my crew. We tolerate a lot from each other, being that we spend a lot of time together. I am blessed to work with friends that I trust (I have to remind myself of this daily). Newc Solutions is more than just me, and Kelsie (who also lives with me). There are a lot of behind the scenes people involved, some that are my resources. They have their own businesses or work for themselves doing their own thing but I can call on them and they make solutions for whatever problem is at hand . Some people are more of a support team, listening to ideas or just allowing us to talk out loud. In reality, we all work together. A paycheck doesn't make you part of an organization or a company, it makes you an employee. Newc Solutions has no employees. We work a little differently. Our goal is to succeed at helping others be successful. We know what we are good at and we know what we can do so our approach on this business is like no other that we have done before. If it takes a village to raise a child, why wouldn't it take a village to be successful? Why not find out what each person brings to the table, then go from there. Insead of having one company that does it all, we have multiple small businesses that comes togerther to support each other. Maybe our view of success is different from the norm. Maybe past lifestyles or major events has caused each of us to reevaluate what is most important to us. And by coming together, using what we are each good at, and making our resources available to all those that are involved, we are able to build something bigger than any of us while not losing focus on what matters the most. This time around it isn't money or social status that defines success. Being able to both provide for and raise my daughter happily is plenty of success for me. Knowing I have a support team of business associates with the same views, means my village won't allow individual failure. This crew builds with each other. It takes all involved to be successful.  This is our twisted version of reality. This is our real-life Wonderland. Except, we save the emotional manipulation for our advertisements and marketing strategies. We use play-on-words to again your atte vntion, not to deceit our abilities. New problems require Newc Solutions! Give us a try and find out why   

Alice in Wonderland

Playing with someones emotions is one of the worse kind of 'playing around' that you can do as an adult.  Although it isn't easily spotted in the beginning, there are some red flags that you should educate yourself on. It may take months or years for you to realize that is going on and the time it takes to recoup from that kind of mental manipulation can take a lifetime. To this day, I still question everyone's motives. Some individuals turn it into a game. One that you cannot win. It always feels as if you are trying to keep up with the situation at hand. Either professionally and personally, you don't seem to understand. You question everything, starting with yourself first. Then the ones around you because the only way to keep you envolved to make you question reality. When you have been through it several times and you catch the signs. You know they are purposely engaging in a specific conversation to get an emotional reaction from you. It is a toxic cycle of abuse that can spiral out of control. When you know it is going on and you allow it to happen...'Okay, I will follow you down that rabbit whole'...giving them the reaction that they wished for. But in the end, they appear to be the one wondering what could have caused that reaction. Does this make me the crazy one, am I going insane? Or am I beyond that, spinning my wheels in the shadows of my crazy mind. Like Alice in her confusing wonderland, being pushed from one emotion to the next. With the King and Queen of Hearts yelling off with her head.                                                                        

 

My FaceBook rant

 This is not something I usually do but today I am on my soapbox! I am still banned from FaceBook Marketplace. Are you serious right now? I'm so ready to bash the whole Facebook idea all together. I am not a scammer but they will allow these idiots to post stuff and publish stupid stuff all day long. I didn't violate any policy. The house I posted really was for rent, it was owned by the name of the agent I was working for and I sent them all of the information I had. The corresponding emails between myself and the agent along with all text messages between us and they still don't care. I could understand if I had broken several rules in the past or if I posted things that were questionable or if I was someone who had twisted views on life, politics and religion or if I was obvious to social media etiquette. (Most of the people on Facebook can't even comprehend what I just said and I get banned?) I am always on my best behavior, I understand that social media is equivalent to having the general public watching everything you do. I know there is no such thing as privacy on social media so I conduct myself accordingly. I stay away from offensive material. I do not bully anyone or make negative comments. I try to be a supportive, positive person, online and in real life.  I could create another account and get on Marketplace like that but wouldn't that be violating some policy also? They don't care about that one as much. Everyone I know does that when they get put in Facebook jail (which I have never been there). I don't want to create another account. I have had my same account since I first joined. I have enough to keep up with chasing after my two year old. I don't have time to keep up with two Facebook accounts. I know this is crazy for me to go on aboutand i should just let it go.  I try to follow the rules and guidelines but I end up getting myself into situations that leave me dumbfounded. Guess that's the story of my life summed up in one sentence. Wow, now let that sink in.

Career (lack of)

It's May 1st. Starting month number 5, without a job. I have turned in over 200 resumes and applications, still nothing. Every time something looks promising, it doesn't come through. Now I'm not the one for pity-parties or poor-pitiful-me stories. I'm the kind of pick myself back up, brush it off and keep on rolling with it, something is bound to come through. Over 200 rejections. This is something I've never dealt with before and four months without a job, I'm lost on what to do next. The business isn't taking off and I know these things take time. But how much time do I have. I'm lucky enough that I live in a rental that was part of my previous employment. My best friend and I had an agreement that I wouldn't cost her anything to live here. The double-wide trailer should have been condemned before I started working on it to move in. I've done a lot to the place and still working on it. With me no longer being employed since her son took over and our employment contract came to an end, how long am I going to be able to stay where I am. I can't pay rent because I haven't found a job. I know I could go somewhere around here and get hired, don't get me wrong. I am not ready to put my little girl in daycare. This Friday she will be 2 years old. I'm not ready to be away from her 8-10 hours a day, to work full time only to cover the cost of daycare. There is no father, I am all she has. Me and my parents and I know my parents can't keep her that long either. Yes, I know how spoiled and selfish I sound. I guess that has been weighing on my mind the most. I'm gonna have to do something cause finding a job that I can work from home doesn't seem to be working out and it is stressing me out to the max. Not only feeling like a failure, I gotta be doing something wrong, and all the emotions that come with it but there is also the financial side of it. I am pretty good with money but when it's not coming in regularly it makes things really hard. By no means am I giving up, it's just a struggle that I'll deal with like all the rest. One of my best guy friends said something to me the other day that has stuck in my head and I kind of having a hard time wrapping my mind around. He said "Steph, your career is over for now". It can't be, I don't know how to separate my personal and professional life yet. I don't know how not to work and give my all, much less just not work at all. And what about Brooklyn?  As a single parent, do I really have to choose between raising my daughter or providing for her?

I hate scammers

I got kicked off Facebook Marketplace today. Apparently I didn't follow their guidelines. With trying to be a stay at home mom for my little girl and trying to get my business up and going at the same time and trying to survive, I decided to take on a few virtual assistant jobs. On Indeed or LinkedIn, I have applied for so many. One was a Real Estate agent. Since I was a property manager for my best friend, I thought perfect. I talked to the agent, verified his phone number, even verified the houses he wanted me to list. When I found the house on Realtor.com for almost double, I confronted him and he told me that the higher price was for rent-to-own. Which is how things normally work. I even asked if it was a scam. I didn't expect him to answer that question honestly. That part doesn't surprise me at all. What is surprising is the fact that Marketplace doesn't give me a chance to explain. Just banned, that's all folks. I hit the review button and they responded that I did not follow their policies. There is no place to say anything. No way to do anything except accept what they say. I could understand if it had happened before but this is the first time. So, I went to the feedback button. Somewhere someone is going to hear my side. I uploaded the pictures from the job board, the text messages between the agent and myself along with the emails and phone numbers. Where it asked how they could improve Marketplace, I explained the whole situation. At the bottom of the page I added "Y'all need a place to explain why you want it reviewed before you review it and you need to look at the whole situation." I posted 1 house for rent, just one. Then I turned my attention back to the scammer. I sent him another message, asking him what was he hoping for, that someone would give him a credit card number for a deposit? That he needed to up his game on being a scammer. And he won't talk to me now. The world we live in today, I swear. Everything is online and you can't trust anybody. 

Some days I wonder how I made it this far

Okay so leaving the screen up with an entire page of writing on it, was not a good idea. Somehow my not-quite 2 year old managed to select the page and delete it, then started typing away. It's cute that she is trying to be like mommy but it is not cute that I lost everything I had wrote down. Plus, she has her own tablet (don't judge) just for that reason (it's not the first time I lost something due to her playing on my computer). 

A little more background

My big brother & me

So, I'm going to be all over the place trying to catch you to the present times. The little asterisk marks ✳  are side notes that I'll come back to later on. More for my memory than anything else. Sometimes I can't keep up with my thoughts, I try not to chase the squirrels that run through my mind. I am a true Virgo, always analyzing everything around me. Growing up with an older brother that constantly picked on me, made me self-aware of any flaws. I can honestly say that he is the reason I am able to do this today. You see, growing up I basically worshiped the ground he walked on. With five and half years between us, he didn't want a baby sister. I was grown before I ever realized that he truly has a love for me. All those years, living in his shadow, I thought he only tolerate me because he had no other choice (I'm still pretty sure that is a big part of it). My parents used me as part of his punishment. When he did something they didn't approve of, I was part of his restriction. The next time he asked to go anywhere outside of school or football practice, he had to take me with him. He would gripe and complain about it to our parents but as soon as we left the house, he would figure out a way to use me to his advantage. I cannot count the times sitting in the back seat of his extended cab, lifted up Toyota, that his females friends would come over to the truck to talk to me. Coaching me to get out although Brad had told me I wasn't allowed. They all thought it was so sweet of him to bring along his shy baby sister. Looking back, only God knows what he told them about me. It would leave me confused. Anyways, he was a Senior in high school when I was in 6th grade. After Graduation, he signed up for USMC BootCamp. My brother was going to be a Marine. I still remember being happy for him when I was told he was leaving but crying about it when I was alone. The thought of him leaving had never crossed my mind. He might not have liked me but a lot of my world revolved around him. Who was I gonna practice softball with, he was the reason I was playing anyways, cause I wanted to be close to him. I do remember thinking the Marines would be good for him. Maybe it help him control his temper because he didn't need to be a better fighter. Brad was not scared to throw hands with anyone. Sitting in that backseat, I have seen too many times what he could do. He might not have started them all but I know that he did finish them all (another reason I wasn't allowed to get out of the truck). After he was gone, I definitely became the nerdy sibling. It started with writing him letters while he was gone, it turned into a way of processing the thoughts in my head. Which in time turned into this. 

                                                                                          

 

Let me introduce myself

Hi, my name is Stephanie Smith. I am 42 years old with a daughter that will be 2 years old next month. (I'll explain later). I come from a fairytale family. My parents are still happily married, as were both sets of grandparents. I have one older brother. Brad is 5 and half years older than me (to the hour). My parents raised us right, we went to church every Sunday (both morning & evening services) and on Wednesday evenings. We ate dinner together every night and discussed our day. Fairytale, right? I cannot complain about the way I was raised. But I couldn't wait to get away from it after high school. Maybe it was the rebellious part of me, maybe it was my choice of friends or just wanting a different lifestyle altogether. I wanted to have fun. Life was one big party, right? At age 19, I was told I couldn't have children, and I was perfectly fine with that. I didn't want any. I watched my friends have babies, and it seemed as if their life was over cause going out and having fun revolved around the ability of a babysitter. I was married at age 25 and divorced at 35. Those 10 years were some of the best but hardest times. That is when I learned everything about being in business, from start-ups to operations and from bookkeeping to marketing. Our businesses filled the void of children in our marriage. (Or so I thought, during our divorce, his girlfriend got pregnant). The break-up of that marriage devastated me. It ripped both my personal and professional world out from under me at the same time. I vowed that would never happen again.  I continued doing the same kind of work though. Helping a few friends turn their companies into businesses. One night at my best friend's house, I met a guy. He was also in business for himself, thus was the second marriage revolved around working together. After a couple of years of dating and a year married, divorce #2 wasn't so bad. During that time, that same best friend had just been handed a business by her husband's health declining and she asked me to help out. And I was right back to doing what I know best in the business world.